Homebirth for Dummies

If you wrote this, please tell me so I can credit you!

A very clever reader showed me that Diana wrote this! Thank you, Diana, your words have been bringing joy to many since 2007.

Q1. A homebirth! Is that safe?

A. Not particularly, but we’re big, fat risk-takers.

Q2. Aren’t you afraid or scared of having a baby in your house?

A. Not half as scared as I would be to give birth in the hospital. The midwife has less stuff with her she can hurt me with than the doctors have in the hospital.

Q3. How do you manage pain at home?

A. Screaming, a lot. Biting things, or people, if necessary. Lots of swear words. Sometimes, I hit people, especially my husband, whose fault this whole thing is, after all. Just like in the movies.

Q4. What if something bad happens? I’ve heard about horrible things that can happen during a birth.

A. We’d be really screwed. Once we get out into the woods by the fire and the drummers burning incense, we enter a force field and can’t leave it to go to a hospital. Ambulances can’t get in, either.

Q5. Is the midwife trained?

A. If you’re lucky…but if not, usually one of the drummers (by the fire, in the woods) will drop his drum and put out his incense and come over to help in an emergency.

Q6. Why do you want a homebirth?

A. Because I’m a control freak. Why else?

Q7. Shouldn’t babies be born in hospitals? They’re sterile and everything.

A. If the mother or the baby is sick, a hospital is the best place for them. Then when they catch MRSA, it won’t matter so much because they were sick to begin with.

Q8. What about the mess? Isn’t the birth messy?

A. You obviously haven’t seen my house. Blood stains, medical waste, an errant placenta…it all blends in over here.

12 Responses to Homebirth for Dummies

  1. Meekoh says:

    How did I miss this? Nearly peed my pants laughing! Bloody pelvic floor…

  2. Kyt says:

    Hahaha. The sense of humour is most amusing. And yet the content is soo sadly believed.

  3. Althea says:

    Literally laughing out loud! I HAVE to share this with my poor mum who thinks I’ve lost it for wanting to birth her next grandchild at home! XD

  4. LOL, very funny! Sad thing is if I share this with those anit-homebirth people I know they wouldn’t get that it is sarcasm.

  5. Amy says:

    LOVE this! FBing it! :)

  6. Janet says:

    It really is marvellous, still gives me a giggle even after a few years! Thanks for the comments. :)

  7. E says:

    HAHA..
    yes i have the mess to!
    i throw the placenta on the wall to see it fall… NOT

  8. Janet says:

    Maybe it’s like how some people throw cooked pasta on the wall to see if it sticks? I think sashimi placenta is better though!

  9. Beck says:

    LOL, this still gets me giggling every time I read it!!

  10. Sue says:

    HAHA!! This is great!!!! If only MANY more would just forget about those epidurals and conveniently scheduled c-sections. …Birth is so beautiful, just Birth.

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